My deep longing to get pregnant and have a baby took me on a journey of self-discovery.  A test of my faith, will, determination, relationships, beliefs, self-belief, endurance - absolutely everything.  

From the deepest lows to the highest of highs, lots of tears, endless prayers and, on occasions, humbled to my knees asking for god’s help. One time I just had to get out of the house, I couldn’t breathe. I walked and walked and walked not really knowing where I was going. When I came across a church with a large cross outside, I sank to my knees and prayed for help. I would then find the strength and courage within me to face my next challenge. 

In the beginning, each knock down would take a long time before I could get back up and try again. As time went on and the years went by, after each knock down the luxury of time to grieve for long was gone. I just had to get back on my feet quickly and carry on.

After a while it felt like I was just in a cycle of grief, going around in circles always ending in the same way. What needed to change? Well, a lot needed to change. Our mindsets, stuck belief systems, self-sabotaging behaviours, limiting beliefs, our health, our intentions, being on the same page and being open. Being open to change was challenging. If you only think down one track and that track comes to an end, then what? So, we kept our minds and hearts open to different possibilities.  

It was then I even started looking into adoption, fostering or even kidnapping (only kidding on this last one, but it is crazy where your mind can take you on this journey). In just doing the research, as we began to open our minds, new doors started to open.   

Dealing with the medical system was challenging for me. I was not used to this clinical approach to health. I learned to trust my intuition and if something or someone didn’t feel right, I had to move away and seek different doctors, nurses, practitioners, wellness gurus - practices that aligned with me. We eventually found our people who believed in us and guided & nurtured us throughout.   

I remember the exact moment on a black sand beach of the rugged east coast of New Zealand, my intention was strong and the message from spirit was clear - my baby was coming. My self-belief on that last year was high, I trusted myself, I was the guru, the holistic tools that I believed in were the right ones and we had the right people in place to help us.  Science and spirit were coming together.  

We took a holistic approach to our fertility journey and all the pieces of the puzzle finally came together and our little masterpiece was created. Every needle injected, every probe, blood test after blood test, surgery after surgery, every doctor and specialist appointment, every loss and tear shed were all worth it, he was finally here! Our faith, belief, courage, strength and resilience and most of all never giving up hope all helped our dream come true and bring us our little miracle Xavier.